i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
they're like a gay fantastic four
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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