when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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