I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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