I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
