Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
