Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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