I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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