So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
