Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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