I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
