Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
