someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
