I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
