Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
