To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
