Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
