last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
