i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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