Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
