Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
