watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
