i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
