i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
