i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
