So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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