are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
