tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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