atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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