My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
