Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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