He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
