Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
