I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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