Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
