If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
