If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
