It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
