i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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