he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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