dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
