Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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