Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
