one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
