i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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