Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
