I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Buhtt sex?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
