She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
