Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
