Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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