i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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