Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
