My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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