On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize