I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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