He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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